Stories from the Kingdom of Klah

Raymond had always been terrified of kittens. His elbows shook with fear when he heard the sound of meowing, his hands became clammy at the thought of their whiskers, and several times he jumped into the arms of unsuspecting strangers when he encountered cats in the street. He had nightmares about thousands of kittens holding paws and singing songs about rainbows. One day he met the girl of his dreams, Ramona R. Ramspittle. Ramona had magnificently silky eyebrows and an equal fondness for badminton. Raymond daydreamed about the two of them in matching badminton costumes, leaping around with tiny racquets and tremendous agility, sparks flying in the air and her eyebrows flowing in the wind. Unfortunately, Ramona also had an intense love of cats: her house was shaped like an enormous cats head and her mantlepiece adorned with miniature cat statues. Raymond wanted to impress her. He dismantled his cat alarms and adorned himself with happy cat paraphernalia. They went to the park and held hands. He disguised his terror with large volumes of catnip, but in the back of his mind he worried, “how long before she knows?”

Sir Ronald Dolphin, the renowned scientist and philosopher, going to great lengths to test his theory that hedges are indeed capable of complex thought patterns. As part of his experiment he has had himself turned into a suburban hedge for 12 days and will be conducting a lecture on his findings in June.

These mysterious animals appear from the sky every now and then, their magic powers being that they can apparently harness themselves into parachutes, which they also mysteriously eat after they land (pictured). Why they do this remains one of the great unsolved mysteries of Klah.

Lady Madison, her Les Moon tank and the number of times (47) she has reigned champion of cattlebattling, a popular sport in Klah where competitors race through the desert on the backs of giant Klahtian cattle whilst simultaneously performing epic guitar solos. Lady Madison is known not just for her speed and agility at racing cattle, but for her ability to shred out incredible guitar improvisations that practically have the desert cacti having a good old headbang.

The native sealhog of Klah, who spends his nights snoring so loudly other forest creatures are forced to migrate great distances, and spends his days crashing loudly through the undergrowth, screaming and squealing like a deranged smoke alarm, has been nominated in the "Noisiest Creature in Klah" competition. The sealhog is normally found romping around in seaside forests, and many of those who live in these areas have been forced to erect sealhog-proof fences around their properties, covered in sponges and bits of foam to absorb the racket. You would think, with all this excessive clatter that the sealhog could not possibly manage to catch any prey and that the species should surely have starved to death long ago, but in fact, due to the amount of time his mouth is gaping wide open, a surprising amount of flying grubs and fish find their way into his cavernous mouth.

The Noisiest Creature in Klah competition ends May 7th and the winner will receive a powerful megaphone.

Stories from the Kingdom of Klah

Raymond & The Dream Girl

Sir Ronald Dolphin's Theory on Hedges

Ponies with Magic Powers, Central Klah

Lady Madison, Champion of Cattlebattling

Native Sealhog nominated for NCIK