Stories from the Kingdom of Klah

The Lantern Moths' Commemoration July 18 2017

The Radiant Ranges are not glorious and light as one would imagine, but dark and ominous, and strange things happen there – perhaps the strangest of all being the diamonds that sometimes rain from the sky, like the most radiantly dangerous hail you have ever seen, or been smacked in the face with. To avoid injuries, a magnificent group of lantern moths provide a warning system before each diamond fall, flying over the valleys and signaling to the citizens to helmet up the cows and hurry inside. Due to the abundance of diamonds in the area, anything that can be made from diamond is, from houses to harpsichords, tables to toothbrushes, and sometimes the teeth themselves. On the unusual occasion that it is sunny, the citizens are forced to wear special diamond-blocking glasses to protect their eyes from the glare, and stop them developing what is commonly known as “sparkle-eye”. The lantern moths have performed this honorable warning duty for as long as anyone can remember. When they are not signaling, they are forecasting the next fall. They do this in a number of ways: as well as having a weather station with the usual gadgets and gizmos, they watch the skies, they feel the vibrations of the weather on their wings, and they listen to the whispers of the diamonds. The Kingdom of Klah has created this image to commemorate the fine and important job the lantern moths do.

 


Three days ago I went inside a really long snake under the sea June 08 2017

Three days ago I went inside a really long snake under the sea
and when I emerged I was in yet another foreign land, the land of Engle.
It was cold in the reptile, and strange, I had thoughts of Gepetto, but no sooner had a darkness begun to press in on my thoughts, I was expelled, awkwardly, but alive, and with less snake innards on my sweater than expected.
Fortunately someone was filming for your viewing pleasure:


Klah's Rare Musical Note Found to Improve Social Lives December 11 2016

The Earl of Whippet, with Roger

Many things exist in Klah that do not exist in other countries, such as ice cream made from twigs, and twigs made from ice cream. There are lakes that seize people and turn them into blueberrieslevitating rocksshrubberies with Foresight, and musical busking trees – and on that note, there is also a rare musical sound found only in Klah, the elusive K-minor, which has usefully been described by those who have heard it as a cross between a seahorse and a snacking quiche.

Although the K-minor can be produced from within, it cannot be produced very often by the average voicebox – that is, unless one has recently feasted on the liver of the Klangfarbenmelodie Bird (K-bird). Since a national awareness campaign was started in the ’90s, most citizens of Klah now recognise the K-birds’ right to life over their own desire to produce a seahorse + snacking quiche noise – unfortunately, with the exception of another of Klah’s natural phenomena, their special breed of native singing cat, who make it a policy to catch and gobble every Klangfarbenmelodie Bird they can find, and then belt out all their favourite tunes in K-minor.

For this reason many K-birds develop a symbiotic relationship with others, such as the Earl of Whippet, pictured here  with his good friend Roger. The Earl is able to defend Roger from liver-stealing cats, and in turn Roger, particularly on wild journeys through swamps and jungles, protects the Earl from being troubled by insects such as bloodsucking Vacuumflies and stinging Saltbeetles. “Not to mention our great chats”, says the Earl. “There is something comforting about having a little voice on top of your head, not just in it. And now when I get invited to banquets and raves, I always have my + 1 sorted.”


Chaotic Family Aces Evolution, Aces Life June 06 2016

 

A member of the Browface family, exhibiting both an impressive set of eyebrows, and an impressive feat of evolution.

For twelve generations the Browfaces have lived in the desert of Parch-Rah, a sparse region of Klah bathed in an average of 365.25 days of sunlight a year, and although the original Browfaces arrived with their pockets bulging with sunglasses of all shapes and sizes, they soon found that for several reasons this approach was impractical. This was partly because they were the kind of people who needed back up housekeys for their back up housekeys, and had to wear sandals because they could never find any socks – for they were always losing things, and naturally their sunglass reserves quickly dwindled, and then became a distant memory, existing only in the tales of their pilgrimage to Parch-Rah passed down to their children. Secondly, the Browfaces had left their lives as statue polishers in the south to come to the desert and farm Guinea Tiffles, large birds with resplendent feathers which are collected and used to make capes for fashionable city dwellers. Guinea Tiffles are very suspicious creatures, and due to their large talons and powerful beaks, it is important to win their trust. As you yourself may have experienced, it is very hard to trust someone with dark plastic shields covering their eyes (or soul-holes as they literally translate to in Guinea Tiffle). After several useful limbs were lost and much time was wasted in long battles trying to collect the feathers, it was at this point the Browface family began a very clever feat of evolution – as each generation was born, their eyebrows grew longer, stronger, and bushier, and before long they had created their own natural sun protection for their soul-holes. It is said the Guinea Tiffles now trust the Browfaces so much that they even disclose to them their most personal secrets. Now the family has not only made a name for themselves as esteemed Guinea-Tiffle farmers, but have found their way into science textbooks throughout Klah.

An Example of a Fashionable City Dweller's Guinea-Tiffle Cape


The Eyes of Unknown Intent Part II May 03 2016

Made it back from the woods / The Eyes of Unknown Intent, and you all seem to look as glorious as ever.


The Eyes of Unknown Intent May 03 2016

The Royal Master Artist amongst potential friends, potential enemies
Sometimes, when one wanders alone in a forest, and the light is dim and the shadows strange, and you begin to wonder if indeed a wrong turn was taken, or if perhaps that conga line of jiving bears would have been best joined rather than avoided - because safety in numbers might be a real thing - sometimes, at these moments The Eyes appear. Not suddenly, like an exploding crab, or with warning like an undergrowth crashing, squealing Sealhog, but silent as a cloud of secrecy, mysterious as the cry of a distant beast in the night, and more ominous than a vanished sock from the wash.
Or are they ominous? Speculation has been rife recently, for no one really knows just what they are up to, for they do not speak or keep diaries,  just hover, and stare, and blink, and thus they have earned the name The Eyes of Unknown Intent (TEOUIs).
Some groups such as the Over Protective Society have called for them to be arrested, or taxed, or made to wear dark glasses. Recently Klah's Royal Master Artist, fed up with such uninformed judgement, publicly declared "innocent until proven guilty!" and strode out into the forest alone to determine if the blinks are really some kind of morse code, and to discover just what motivates these mysterious beings. After spending a number of weeks with a colony of Eyes, she believes she may have begun to decode their language.
"So far I have translated this:
Y-O-U - H-A-V-E - V-E-R-Y - F-I-N-E - E-Y-E-S
How lovely. Or is it sleazy? Or just an unusual cultural greeting? Or ...are they about to steal my eyes?  I'm very torn between staying to find out, and needing my eyes for my hobbies such as albino stick collecting and truck driving".
Nobody knows where The Eyes appear from, or how they come to be at all, but the Klah Gazette would like to note the disproportionately high number of blind corners in forests known to contain The Eyes Of Unknown Intent (TEOUIs).
While the Royal Master Artist is deliberating on making a retreat, hopeful Royal Master Artist candidates may wish to ready their CVs.

Native Sealhog nominated for NCIK April 07 2016

The native sealhog of Klah, who spends his nights snoring so loudly other forest creatures are forced to migrate great distances, and spends his days crashing loudly through the undergrowth, screaming and squealing like a deranged smoke alarm, has been nominated in the Noisiest Creature in Klah competition. The sealhog is normally found romping around in seaside forests, and many of those who live in these areas have been forced to erect sealhog-proof fences around their properties, covered in sponges and bits of foam to absorb the racket.  You would think, with all this excessive clatter that the sealhog could not possibly manage to catch any prey and that the species should surely have starved to death long ago, but in fact, due to the amount of time his mouth is gaping wide open, a surprising amount of flying grubs and fish find their way into his cavernous mouth.

The Noisiest Creature in Klah competition ends May 7th and the winner will receive a powerful megaphone.


The Embarrastone of Shimmyham River April 05 2016

To some, this may just look like a rock, or a good place to hang a towel. The more discerning viewer however, will notice the gaping open mouth and horrified look in its eye, and recognise this as an Embarrastone: a beast that turns to stone when embarrassed, for anywhere between 3 weeks and 300 years depending on the depth of the embarrassment. This particular beast is thought to have been in rock form since 1903 after a terrible incident involving an innocent swim at a crowded river and a pair of swimming trunks that got snagged on a stick.

The Rollercoaster Formally Used For Royal Transportation April 05 2016

Before the royal family befriended a herd of silver-horned-buffalo to carry them into town, they used a roller coaster which left straight from the palace dining room. Often they would leap into it on a whim and could be seen flying through town with chicken drumsticks still clutched in their hands and food bibs tied around their royal necks. Now the roller coaster lies abandoned, used only by Prince Eugene to practice his handstands.

The Fountain of Youth April 04 2016

Next to this magnificent fountain is a sign which reads "THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH", and many people pilgrimage here to dip and dunk and slather themselves in its water in the hope of being transformed. And indeed they are - only not in the way they expected, for during the Great Crocodile Storm of '78, where a tornado hit a nearby Crocodile Health Retreat, a rather well proportioned (flying) crocodile by the name of Kevin - still drinking his power smoothie - smashed half the sign to smithereens. The sign should actually read "THE FOUNTAIN OF YOU THINK YOU'RE A SLUG" and the waters do have this effect. At times, the local council has considered restoring the sign, but are always won over by the comedic value of seeing streams of vain people slithering away from the fountain on the hunt for cabbage leaves.

The National Day of Crabbis Kapow April 04 2016

Historic picture of a Crabbis kapow, the native Klahtian crab that spontaneously explodes when excited. This image (courtesy of the Klah archives) is believed to have been taken on July 15th 1909, the day that crabs received the vote. Predictably, after this exciting announcement many were unable to participate, and the day remains both a celebration and a national disaster for the Crabbis Kapow.


Nicholas Spickelspack and the Ocean in the Teacup April 04 2016

Nicolas Spickelspack was a very orderly man: his bookshelf was arranged alphabetically, his shirts never strayed from their allocated drawer, nor his socks from their designated partners. Yet he kept a tea set in the linen cupboard. The tea set was kept there to ensure it was not accidentally served to guests, which could be awkward as it contained an ocean. The ocean, though mysterious, was very much alive, for some days it was cheerful and sparkling, and others it was dark and brooding, and Nicolas speculated the tea set was the origin of the phrase "storm in a teacup". He liked to take the teacup into his lounge and gaze into it, for it was a very beautiful sea, and even though he knew his body wasn't physically leaving his armchair, he felt his mind journey through salt licked shores, across wind-whipped waves and islands of strange fearsome birds who often clacked their beaks at him. Nicolas in return attempted to wink his mind's eye back in what he hoped was a friendly gesture. Sometimes when he got out the tea set he questioned what the purpose of it was, or whether it was meant for him, or he for it, and on these days he found he could not get to the ocean at all, but remained watching from afar.


Lady Madison, Champion of Cattlebattling April 03 2016

Lady Madison, her Les Moon tank and the number of times (47) she has reigned champion of cattlebattling, a popular sport in Klah where competitors race through the desert on the backs of giant Klahtian cattle whilst simultaneously performing epic guitar solos. Lady Madison is known not just for her speed and agility at racing cattle, but for her ability to shred out incredible guitar improvisations that practically have the desert cacti having a good old headbang.


The Boney Birds of Revelry November 18 2015

The Boney Birds of Revelry: These birds know how to have a good time like no other, and as well as being found at all the best parties in Klah, are said to possess ancient powers that cause jovial things to happen: sometimes table-dancing sloths, or giant cream pies for every party guest - or in this case, 15% off magic threads site-wide, using the secret code divulged from their beaks (vaild until midnight November 22nd).


The Tree of Exploding Potential September 29 2015

A Tree of Exploding Potential in the mountains of Klah. ToEPs (scientific name: Explodus Potentialus) spontaneously combust when they feel, through their roots and the messages whispered through the soil, that someone in the world is not fulfilling their potential. The Person of Failing Potential all of a sudden feels this explosion as a tiny prick on the sole of their left foot, which develops into an itch, and before long they know without a shadow of doubt that they must go out and find the tree. This journey may take many months / pairs of shoes / flasks of guzzlejuice, and by the time the Person of Failing Potential reaches their tree most of the job will already be done, but it is not until a branch is taken, danced around, thrown thrice in the air and eventually nibbled on that the person suddenly finds they have everything they need: the will, the plan and the means to become a Person of Happening Potential.

Mysterious Time Travel Archway Raises Questions September 22 2015

Two weeks ago this mysterious archway appeared overnight in the small inland town of Leatherham, formally known only for producing the toughest meat in the country. Since its arrival on the edge of the town, many people have crossed through the arch, but it is still not known what is on the other side as none that have passed through have returned. This has raised many questions such as:
  • Does it really lead to the future or is it perhaps a ravenous black hole with a clever disguise?
  • Is the future overrun with dangerously violent beasts such as poisonous venom spitting penguins and all that have crossed through have succumbed to a terrible penguin disease?
  • Or is the future so brilliant that those who find their way there have no desire to return?
Those who are still entering the archway seem to believe the latter. The Klah Gazette interviewed a few of those making their way there about what they expected to find:
“I think in the future everyone has tusks, which would be really handy for keeping shopping lists and bits of snacking fruit on,” said an efficient looking woman sucking on a lemon.
“I think woolly mammoths have returned but this time they can fly and humans ride around on them and both the mammoths and humans wear flying goggles that shoot lasers at rainclouds and make them dissolve with cool fizzing sounds,” said an old man in slippers who looked like he may have ridden mammoths the first time round.
“I think open-neck linen shirts will be back in fashion” said an extremely hairy man.
Other archway-goers appear to have inadvertently wandered through because they were too lazy to read the giant flashing sign which is written in both English and native Klah. The Kingdom’s official position on the matter is that those who choose not to read are no great loss, and that those who choose to cross should take several packed lunches, anti-penguin venom (available from your local pharmacy) and an open necked linen shirt.

Sir Ronald Dolphin's Theory on Hedges August 29 2015

Sir Ronald Dolphin, the renowned scientist and philosopher, going to great lengths to test his theory that hedges are indeed capable of complex thought patterns. As part of his experiment he has had himself turned into a suburban hedge for 12 days and will be conducting a lecture on his findings in June.

Ponies with Magic Powers, Central Klah August 27 2015

These mysterious animals appear from the sky every now and then, their magic powers being that they can apparently harness themselves into parachutes, which they also mysteriously eat after they land (pictured). Why they do this remains one of the great unsolved mysteries of Klah.


The Merman's Underwater Circus August 26 2015

Children in Tonkleham waiting for the Merman's Underwater Circus. The circus causes great excitement wherever it travels, and local land children don suits that enable them to breathe underwater - not like the scuba diving suits you may be familiar with, but actual 3 piece dinner suits that not only make them look swizzlingly important, but function like a set of gills. These children are particularly excited because the underwater circus has recently obtained a new star, the highly acclaimed Fire-Breathing Porpoise, who not only breathes fire underwater (which is surely hard enough), but is said to simultaneously darn socks for members of the crowd - an extraordinary feat when you consider she has flippers for hands. Citizens, if you are in Tonkleham next weekend - particularly if you have socks* that resemble colanders - be sure to check out the famous underwater circus.
*socks should ideally not be of flammable material

The Great Nose of Okia Bay August 26 2015

The Great Nose of Okia Bay, South Klah. Officials are officially unsure why this sandy cliff grew a hefty nose, but they have established it is allergic to boring outfits, so citizens, Kingdom of Klah threads only if you visit Okia Bay - unless you want to find yourself with sand in more bodily crevasses than you knew you had.

Carniverous Chameleon-Foliage Discovered at Lake Ereinak August 18 2015

This carnivorous chameleon-foliage was recently discovered near Lake Ereinak and is causing a great deal of controversy across Klah. The Society for the Protection of Bears Against Carnivorous Plantsis concerned the foliage is posing as a bear to entice real bears over so it can eat them. The foliage insists it actually loves bears and just wants to congratulate them on being bears, and is even planning to give the next bear that visits him a prize of 1000 honeypots. No honeypots have yet been sighted by The Klah Gazette. We also spoke with the foliage’s dentist who reported seeing suspiciously bear-like hairs in his teeth, though he admitted they could also be from very hairy snails. A spokeswoman for The Society of the Prevention of Discrimination Against Plants, Ms Faux Tosynthesis, issued a statement yesterday concerned that “this is just another example of unfair discrimination against the vegetable kingdom. Why are there never any articles on all the sheep that brutally devour blades of grass all day long? I think you will find the figures are substantially higher and I for one find that far more newsworthy.”

The Lunis concealis August 10 2015

Branches of Lunis concealis, the unusual tree only seen in the light of the full moon. The sap of L. concealis has superb medicinal qualities when applied to superficial wounds, however, due to its invisibility most of the time, it is also responsible for 98% of the injuries it helps to heal. This had lead to groups such as the OPS (Over Protective Society) and the CWB (Cotton Wool Brigade) calling for its eradication, which has in turn enraged environmentalists. But as neither can successfully find the trees to chop down / strap themselves to, so far the feud has only resulted in shouting matches and the odd egg throw in public.


Kookyham Jetty August 10 2015

Kookyham Jetty, normally populated with Jiving Squid busking for money to fund their extravagant shoe fetishes, which ironically they wear out faster because of all the busking. I was hoping to jive with them but sadly they all seem to be away for the public holiday.